INQUIRY – Article analysis

The article is a great example of poor writing.

With limited information the article has been teased out to appear larger than what it needs to be. The use of repetitive words and statements, together with grammatically incorrect paragraphs that do not flow, have created a disjointed reading experience.

The final sentence suggesting self-harm is based in speculation and is an inappropriate and unethical use of statement.  Further comments are provided in text to the original article.

Woman stuck under train at Eagle Junction Train Station, Brisbane (incorrect headline structure subject / verb / object.)

A WOMAN has been injured after becoming stuck under a train at a railway station in Brisbane.  (The Headline and the leading sentence are the same, there is more detail in the headline making this sentence obsolete.)

Emergency services are working to free a woman from under a train on Brisbane’s north side. (The article has not followed the inverted pyramid structure.)

A woman, believed to be in her 30s, was caught under the train at Eagle Junction railway station just after 12pm Wednesday. (Repetitive wording and does not flow with the previous sentences.)

A Queensland Ambulance Service spokeswoman (incorrect use of gender terminology here, should read spokesperson) said the woman is currently conscious and has lower leg injuries, as four fire crews continue their rescue efforts. (incorrect use of grammar when adding ‘as four fire crews continue their rescue efforts.’)

Emergency services reportedly freed the woman at 12.55pm.

QAS (what is QAS? abbreviation should follow the long version in the above paragraph to enable understanding) said (QAS cannot speak only representatives can) the woman was taken to the Royal Brisbane Hospital in a serious condition.

The incident is already having a flow on rail commuters travelling through the region, with Airport and Doomben trains experiencing delays of up to 40 minutes.

A witness reports a train full of people was sitting on the platform as the incident unfolds. (grammar is incorrect – ‘as the incident unfolds unfolded’ … poorly formed sentence and probably not needed)

Police said they are treating the incident as one of self-harm. (inappropriate to the context of the article, a comment based on speculation not fact. I believe this is a point of ethics, where the journalist is open to repercussions for publishing ‘slanderous’ comment.)

(I do not believe that this line should have been included into the article, however at least the appropriate guidelines were followed with the inclusion of referenced help agencies and contact details). 

For help with emotional difficulties, contact Lifeline on 13 11 14

For help with depression, contact Beyond Blue on 1300 22 46 36

The SANE Helpline is 1800 18 SANE (7263)

PRACTICAL – Rewrite the article

Emergency Services free woman pinned under a train

Emergency services were called to the Eagle Junction Station in Brisbane earlier today to help free a woman caught under a stationary train.

The woman remained conscious throughout the ordeal as Fire Rescue and Ambulance crews worked to free her.

A spokesperson from Queensland Ambulance Service reported the woman sustained lower leg injuries and was taken to Royal Brisbane Hospital in a serious but stable condition.

How the woman came to be pinned under the train is unknown and is under  investigation by Police.

The incident disrupted services temporarily with the Airport and Doomben trains experiencing delays of up to 40 mins.

TECHNICAL – Complete Quiz

Quiz Topic for this week ‘Style’.  First attempt 100% – WooHoo !!

Reflection:

The article presented for review was a great example of poor writing.  Whilst knowing this I found it difficult to explain.  I have researched and reviewed the course content to provide a detailed description.

The technical element of my comments may not be as technical as required, however I would welcome the opportunity for feedback on any point that I have missed.